Forks in the Road

What do you do when you get to this point?  The road had been straight and obvious for so long but here you are, suddenly presented with only two options - left or right.  No matter how much you want to keep walking along the straight road, you can't; it no longer exists.  So there you are.  On the sign pointing left, it says "break-up" and on the sign pointing right it says, "get married".  It seems that there is beautiful scenery in both directions and from this vantage point, the difference in the roads is negligible.  Yet, the sun is bearing down and the only way to continue to progress is to choose right or left and then to keep walking towards your destination - towards food, shelter, friends and the life that lives down that path, and so you choose.
So here I am, looking at the sign.  Left or Right?
The tricky part is that it's not my choose alone.  There are two of us looking trepidatiously in the each direction.  Yesterday, I determined it was time to have a talk with Seth again, but this time I needed to be serious about it being time to make a decision.  There are some factors that have pushed me to the point of decision making: 1) I don't feel like I am progressing anymore or that I can progress much more in our current situation; 2) I am getting angry too frequently because of the fact that we haven't made a decision.  I get upset when I have to go home at night and I get upset when I fall asleep when I shouldn't; 3) Affection is losing its effect because I feel like I must be so restrained so that we stay within the lines. So I'd rather have no affection which is a big issue for two people who are both very affectionate; 4) I want to move on with the next stage of my life.  I want to and am ready to build a life with someone.  I want to start my own family and let's be honest, I'm not getting any younger and don't have that much longer to have kids.  So with all os those things weighing down on me and considering that we've had ample time to get to know each other, it just has to be time.

I believe that Heavenly Father wants us to be able to make a decision and I believe that at this point, He will help us because I'm sure that He also wants us to get on with our lives.  So it's a matter of searching, asking, and listening.  I think it was a really conversation where I didn't get overly emotional and I feel like Seth really understood where I was coming from and perhaps for the first time, he grasped that it's time - for real this time.  And it's scary.  As he said, I'm just so sweet and wonderful and he hates the thought of not being with me and of letting me go.

He's going to think about what he can do to get an answer.  This morning, after thinking through the night, the first thing he determined was to be brave - brave enough to fave letting me go so that he can also be open to direction to move forward towards marriage.  Hopefully, within the next week or so, we can set a deadline and really move things toward a path.

Left or Right?

Oh How Lovely Was the Morning

I went to Palmyra the first time in 2001 with my Seminary Class.  It was a great experience although different from what I had expected.  I was half expecting to walk into the Sacred Grove and have a miraculous, overpowering experience.  While it was a beautiful place, I remembering leaving disappointed and confused that there hadn't been more.

Fast forward 11 years.

I've had so many beautiful experiences since then that have matured my testimony so I was excited to return and view all of those sacred places with new eyes and ears.  It was a great experience: to be in so many holy places; to be reminded of the power of the Book of Mormon; to remember how much the First Vision has changed the world and my life.

We went to church at the Palmyra chapel on Sunday, which is on the edge of the Smith family's land.  It was a stake center with the temple across the street.  The meeting was packed.  It was really humbling to sit in that building, nearly 200 years later, and see the impact of one prayer.  I am grateful to be a member of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am grateful for the opportunities that life has afforded me - especially for my mission and for the chance to do my internship in Ecuador.  God does guide and direct, when I let him.

Grandin Print Shop.  It's truly amazing that with all of the persecution, Mr. Grandin was willing to print the Book of Mormon.  Seems like a risky venture!

 Where the Book of Mormon was first sold. I just bought a copy of the 1830 edition.  I'm excited to read it as it was originally written and gain new insight.

 Smith Family Log Cabin

 Emily, Kristina, me and Darcy in front of the Sacred Grove.

 Sacred Grove

 Temple

Fish Markets

Growing up in Gastonia, North Carolina, we had a fish fry on every corner - a lot of catfish and a lot of hush puppies. We even had a catfish festival in downtown Gastonia each year.  However, despite being surrounded by fish, I never liked them.  Granted, I think the only fish we ever ate at home were fish sticks or canned tuna which is a pretty low bar by which to measure fish.

My first real exposure to fish was through my sister-in-law Jenni.  She would cook us shrimp linguini or alaska king crab legs.  Those were excellent introductions to shelled fish world.

Then I went to Ecuador and really fell in love with fish and all things from the sea!  I even tried octopus soup.

So, needless to say, I now love fish markets and most things from the sea!  DC has a very interesting fish market full of all things fresh from the Chesapeake - crab, shrimp, tuna, flounder, etc.  It smells like fish, old bay seasoning, and a little of sweat.  It's frequented by folks from the other side of town and you can even buy your crabs with food stamps.  The whole place just feels "authentic".  Even though it was not the best crab and shrimp that I've had, it was a very unique experience that I loved!

(famous Maryland Blue Crab)

Hymnimony Sunday

Today in my ward my had a musical Sacrament Meeting which is always one of my favorites.  It's a testimony meeting where each testimony is about a particularly impactful hymn, and, after each testimony, the congregation sings one verse from the hymn.  I love it!

I have a hard time remembering most pop songs and they rarely get stuck in my head, but somehow the hymns are often stuck in my head.  For several years after my mission it was "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy" and, only recently, within the past few months, it has transitioned into "Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me".  I hum it, whistle it, sing it several times a day.  It just comes to mind. 

I am grateful for that, and I am grateful that I could share my testimony today.  I've been in the Colonial First Ward for nearly 2 years and have never gotten up to bear my testimony, and I rarely speak up in class, so I feel like I haven't been an active participant.  But today, since I love the hymns so much, I found enough courage to get up.

I want to write down what I remember from the testimony that I shared today.

I am both fiercely independent and yet so fearful of uncertainty and the future.  I want to fight for my own path and yet I find myself so pinned down by the things that I don't know.  Will I marry Seth?  Will I find someone else to marry?  Will I have to make a career for myself?  Should I go to grad school?  What should I study?  Will I have the energy to be a great mother?  Will I be able to hold tight in a world of uncertainty and declining morals?  Will I be able to judge properly?  Will I achieve my destiny?  Those are pretty weighty questions if one tries to move forward alone.  I'm grateful for the hymn, "Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me" because it reminds me that I AM NOT ALONE.  I do not have to do it alone.  I have a friend.  I have a Savior who has promised me that He will be by my side throughout life.  When I forget, life is much harder than it ought to be.  When I remember, I can feel happiness even without answers to every question and I'm filled with the confidence that I will be able to live the life I've both been promised and the life that I dream of.  There is no need to fear.  As the third verse of the hymn states, "Fear Not, I will Pilot Thee."

It felt good to share my feelings today and to feel the Spirit remind me of what I know and what I ought never to forget.  Oh how I want to be righteous, valiant and obedient.  I want the blessings that I've been promised.  If I will allow the Savior to pilot me, I will be those things and achieve those things.  That's a huge promise!